Posting to Reddit’s Am I the A******? (AITA) forum on September 7, user u/chabortoo asked if it was wrong of him to pull out of his sister’s wedding party after she intentionally paired him up with a bridesmaid who had ghosted him.
‘Cowardly’
In a 2020 study that surveyed 328 online daters about their experiences with ghosting, researchers found that 67 percent of ghosters cut contact because of something the other person did. Examples included finding their date boring, clingy or sensing they have a fear of commitment. However, 44 percent said the reason for ghosting was also self-related, from protecting themselves, not feeling emotionally ready for a relationship or wanting to feel in control.
When it came to those who’d been ghosted, 59 percent blamed the other person, rather than something they had done. Many suspected that the ghoster was dating others or had “issues.” Unsurprisingly, ghostees felt anger towards the ghoster, using words such as lazy, cowardly, selfish and disrespectful to describe them.
However, those who did blame themselves cited reasons such as not being interesting or attractive enough, with 37 percent of ghostees ruminating on what they did wrong.
Ghosting isn’t as simple as it used to be, with daters now dealing with multiple subcategories of the trend, such as for example, “orbiting,” when someone who ghosted you still watches your Instagram stories and likes your posts. Or the “slow fade,” where a match ghosts you over a longer period of time, gradually fading out contact.
A ghoster who “comes back from the dead” is known as a “zombie,” people who dating coach Megan Weks recommends avoiding.
“Most zombies are seeking thrills,” she told Newsweek. “They had found something more interesting that didn’t work out, so they are coming back to you.”
‘Delusional’
In his post, chabortoo explained he’d met the bridesmaid Tara on a dating app two years ago. The pair dated for three months, with the poster under the impression that the relationship was going somewhere.
“Well, after one of the dates she completely ghosted me,” he wrote. “Sent a follow up text but got nothing back. I won’t lie. I was really upset.”
He told his sister about his heartbreak, but shortly afterward he moved away for a new job and forgot about Tara for a while. His sister asked him to be a groomsman in her wedding, to which the poster said yes. Upon returning home, he discovered that Tara and his sister had become close friends.
“Apparently my sister got a new job,” he said. “Tara recognized the last name. Reached out to her and they became friends. Such good friends in fact that she is now a bridesmaid and hangs at my parents house.”
His sister never told him about her friendship with Tara, despite knowing she was the girl who ghosted her brother.
“I asked if she knew it was the Tara I got ghosted by,” he said. “She said Tara had told her. But wanted to keep their conversations private.”
Shortly after making the discovery, Tara sent the poster a text asking “what [he] wanted to do for [their] entrance dance.”
“I immediately called my sister, who informed me that Tara and I would be paired up. Including the entrance dance,” he said.
“I asked why. I know many of her bridesmaids and she had to pair me with the one who ghosted me? She said she had her reasons. And Tara also asked for me specifically.”
He ignored Tara’s message and went to talk to his sister in person, but things quickly went sour.
He said: “Got the same answers. And this time she sounded offended??? that I asked for a different person.
“I told her how uncomfortable it made me. She told me to stop overthinking and just have fun. I said that she didn’t understand how hurt I was. She said she had an idea, but to just do it as her wedding gift.”
After speaking to his sibling, the poster decided to withdraw from the wedding party and just attend as a guest.
“She went a******,” he said. “Saying I couldn’t do that and she wanted me up there.
“I said fine then, switch me to a different girl. She said she wasn’t going to. So I told her I’d be dropping out.
“My parents are calling me an A******, but I don’t think I am. It’s a weird request.”
Redditors agreed the poster did the right thing, with the post receiving almost 20,000 upvotes and 3,500 comments.
Many users suspected that his family might be trying to set them back up, with Otherwise_Turn_869 describing the situation as “subterfuge.”
“They try to force you two together, without explanation, and expect you to put aside your own feelings and self-respect to accommodate this, which is unnecessary in the 1st place,” she said.
RakeishSPV agreed, writing: “If she’s ‘charming’ like you say, she may not be used to people not being desperate to get in touch with her and is trying to validate that by proving that she can get you now.”
HRzNightmare suggested Tara saw the poster as a backup, commenting: “More than likely Tara wasn’t just seeing OP [original poster] at the time, and things took off with another relationship. That eventually fizzled, and now OP is a fail safe.”
Others slammed the poster’s family, particularly his sister, for dismissing his feelings.
“Wtf is wrong with your sister?” asked no_rxn.
“So Tara ghosted you, deliberately sought out your sister, interjected herself into your family, specifically requested to be paired with you at the wedding, and now is making you look like the bad guy for not going along with her delusional matchmaking bull***t?”
SamSpayedPI commented: “You’ve been more than reasonable. It’s not like you’re insisting that Tara not come to the wedding, or even step down as a bridesmaid, just that you don’t want to be paired with her.
“I don’t understand why your sister—and your parents—don’t understand why you don’t want to spend the evening with a girl who you dated and broke up with you.”
Newsweek has reached out to u/chabortoo for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
